Day One of Forever

Yesterday afternoon my husband moved out.

I married him at the tender age of 17, my entire identity as an adult is intertwined with his. Together we have two beautiful children who now cry because they miss their father.

He left and moved in with his childhood friend, he states that there is nothing between them. But I was his childhood friend, and history has a way of repeating itself.

My logical side understands that he did not leave me for her, I know that me left us, he left me because it was not enough anymore. It is easier though to feel betrayed and hurt imagining he left me for someone else than to feel alone and broken know it is me he is leaving.

This is not something that come out of the blue, we have considered ourselves "separated" for almost a year and 5 months ago decided together that divorce was inevitable. It is one thing to know what the future holds, it is another to live through it.

It is Sunday afternoon. At 2:30 pm every Sunday for the last what seems like a life time he came through the front door home from work. It is that time now and I feel myself anticipating his arrival, but I know he is not coming, he is never coming again.

I know he is not now absent from life, we have children and in the way of the good father he is he will regularly see his boys. He is though absent now from my life.

I am not sure yet what this means for me. I am not sure how I feel.

Sad, hurt, lost or alone. Relieved?

What am I supposed to feel now, the best way to explain what I am feeling is empty.

Empty.

Life List

1. Get Married August 2006
2. Swim Under the Moonlight
3. Fly a Kite
4. Jump into a Pool Fully Clothed
5. Passionately Kiss in the Rain
6. Become Fluent in ASL
7. Save a Life
8. Be a Bridesmaid
9. Learn to Bellydance
10. Visit a Lighthouse
11. Pet a Penguin
12. Go on Vacation to a Resort
13. Own a Home
14. Get Divorced
15. Get a Tarot Card Reading
16. Go to the Movies Alone
17. See an Outdoor Concert
18. Loose 10 lbs
19. Make Wine at Home
20. Knit a Scarf October 2011
21. Go to a Drive-in Movie Theater
22. Get a Massage
23. Walk the Las Vegas Strip
24. Attend a Music Festival
25. Sew a Quilt for My Bed
26. Visit a Nude Beach
27. Have a Baby November 2005
28. See the Northern Lights
29. Participate in a Protest
30. Spend an Afternoon at the Spa
31. Have a One Night Stand
32. Go on a Cruise
33. Learn Glass Blowing
34. Go on a Hot Air Balloon Ride
35. Grow an Orchid
36. Go on a Real Date
37. Learn How to do a Cartwheel
38. Have Sex in Public
39. Have a Hot-tub on my Deck
40. Swim with the Dolphins
41. See an Opera Show
42. Go on a Blind Date
43. Visit Amsterdam
44. Drink Absinthe
45. Ride a Mechanical Bull
46. Go Skinny Dipping
47. Kiss Under Mistletoe
48. Take Up Yoga
49. Take a Ballroom Dancing Class
50. Talk My Way Out of a Speeding Ticket
51. Be in Two Places at Once
52. Have a Vegetable Garden
53. Go on a Silent Retreat
54. Loose 25 lbs
55. Have Another Baby October 2007
56. Try Acupuncture
57. Send a Message in a Bottle
58. Shower in a Waterfall
59. Pay for a Strangers Morning Coffee
60. Drink a Fruity Drink in an Exotic Location
61. Send a Secret to Postsecret
62. See a Cirque de Soleil Show
63. Have a Drink Bought for me at a Bar
64. Roll Down a Grassy Hill
65. Go Whale Watching
66. Learn How to Use a Pogo Stick
67. Make a Stained Glass Window
68. Watch an Eclipse
69. Ask Someone on a Date
70. Sleep Under the Stars
71. Work in a 3rd World Country
72. Build a Snow Cave
73. Bury a Time Capsule
74. Learn to Prepare Sushi
75. Take Pole Dancing Lessons
76. Go House-boating
77. Watch a Romantic Sunset
78. Watch a Ballet Performance
79. Loose 50 lbs
80. Loose 100 lbs
81. Learn an Instrument
82. Swim with Turtles
83. Drink Green Beer on St. Patrick's Day
84. Host a Dinner Party
85. Watch a Birth September 2011